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June Journal, Thoughts on Sexy Souls
Our one guest, a blond bombshell, with a self described “curvy-sexy figure guys love” talked candidly about sex. In between passing the salt, the corn, and the napkins, parts of the male and female anatomy were described in fairly graphic terms. A part of me enjoyed her candid, uninhibited freedom as I remembered my own shyness, and self-consciousness I had as young woman. Yet, I admit I was also uneasy with her lack of boundaries and bold sexuality.
Only
last week I had broached the subject of Jesus’ teaching in the Gospel,
to a group of nonreligious people. I can tell you that it is a lot
easier to discuss sex, than it is Christ, in most crowds. I couldn’t
help but compare my daughter’s girlfriend’s open conversation regarding
sex, with my careful and tentative foray into the topic of the Gospel. I am not advocating that we return to the imprisonment of past puritanical
sexual restraints, but I am wondering when religion become the off
limits conversation?
The HBO series and movie, “Sex and the City” opened up previously taboo topics of woman’s sexuality. Yet we live in a time and a culture where “Christ” must be cautiously introduced. Our society is sexually saturated and spiritually dehydrated. Two of the most beautiful aspects of our humanity; our sexuality and our spirituality have experienced a great divorce.
The HBO series and movie, “Sex and the City” opened up previously taboo topics of woman’s sexuality. Yet we live in a time and a culture where “Christ” must be cautiously introduced. Our society is sexually saturated and spiritually dehydrated. Two of the most beautiful aspects of our humanity; our sexuality and our spirituality have experienced a great divorce.
The
writings of the mystics reflect an awareness of one’s sexuality and
spirituality, which both sit at the seat of our soul. Integration of
both leads to a deeper intimacy than mere physical intimacy. The truth
and the beauty of one’s sexuality and spirituality open deeper inroads
into intimacy. When one falls in love, the vulnerability required to
seek this depth is best mined within the covenant of marriage; where
time, sacrifice, commitment and prayer begin to carve out this intimacy
within the couple.
As
human beings we are naturally curious about the unfamiliar and most of
us find sex a fascinating subject. My curiosity regarding theology is
equally strong, because it is another great mystery of our being. It is
our curiosity that leads us to venture into the unfamiliar, to explore
mystery. Imagine the possibilities to be explored within the mystery of
our souls and in exploring another soul for a lifetime?
We
have a schizophrenic divide when it comes to sexuality and
spirituality; bluntly exposing our sexuality (leaving little mystique
if you have slept with someone by the second or third date), with an
almost absent discussion of spirituality. Our desire for sex is about
alot of things besides raging hormones; curiosity, loneliness,
entertainment, but most of all it is our search for our most basic
human need; to know love. The exploration of an intimacy with God is
also a search for a basic human need; to know Love.
While
beginning a relationship with sex may certainly be exciting, it closes
a window on the opportunity to encounter a person on a spiritual,
intellectual, emotional, or friendship level, because sex dominates the
relationship. If you begin with the physical it naturally consumes the
time and patience needed to know another on an intimate emotional and
spiritual level. A pseudo-intimacy happens when the sexual intimacy is
primary.
As C.S. Lewis said,”We are not bodies that happen to have a soul; we are souls with a body”. Having given your body to a stranger, we are vulnerable to someone who is still mostly a stranger. Sex without commitment eventually makes one feel used. People are not things; and they are not meant to be used, exploited, or tossed aside.
Yet our society has turned sex into a commodity in the dating game, one that can easily be replaced with a better, younger, more exciting model when the current partner gets boring. How easy it is when one focuses on the next orgasm and their own pleasure, to move on when one is not measuring up. If you are not happy or satisfied the relationship can easily be replaced. Why not? There is no commitment.
When people feel hurt or exploited they learn to protect themselves. If you have been replaced, you may be sexually available in your next relationship, but I doubt you are going to allow yourself to be emotionally or spiritually vulnerable. Many people (a study showed 80% of sexually active people) will lie to have sex. How vulnerable can you be in a relationship with sex, without truth, with pleasure, without commitment, with promises, without covenant?
As C.S. Lewis said,”We are not bodies that happen to have a soul; we are souls with a body”. Having given your body to a stranger, we are vulnerable to someone who is still mostly a stranger. Sex without commitment eventually makes one feel used. People are not things; and they are not meant to be used, exploited, or tossed aside.
Yet our society has turned sex into a commodity in the dating game, one that can easily be replaced with a better, younger, more exciting model when the current partner gets boring. How easy it is when one focuses on the next orgasm and their own pleasure, to move on when one is not measuring up. If you are not happy or satisfied the relationship can easily be replaced. Why not? There is no commitment.
When people feel hurt or exploited they learn to protect themselves. If you have been replaced, you may be sexually available in your next relationship, but I doubt you are going to allow yourself to be emotionally or spiritually vulnerable. Many people (a study showed 80% of sexually active people) will lie to have sex. How vulnerable can you be in a relationship with sex, without truth, with pleasure, without commitment, with promises, without covenant?
I
am sure there are a myriad of factors contributing to the number and
statics of long-term marriages that continue to decline, but I am
equally convinced that at least some of the societal and cultural
implications of quick sexual intimacy and absent spiritual intimacy
have contributed significantly to eroding foundations of marriages. The
convoluted sexual relationship of intimacy, without emotional or
spiritual intimacy leaves our human frailties blindly exposed, judged
and often dismissed. We are literally naked in
one area and wearing an armor plate in another, yet we expect the
impossibility of deep intimacy—without a prayer.
Infidelity
has continued to rise over the past decades, leaving in its wake the
wounds of betrayal. I recently talked with a beautiful young woman in
her thirties who said cheating is a part of dating, and the primary
reason for her relational breakups. It is also a major contributor to
divorce. Why? For one reason if you have never
learned sexual discipline, why would you learn it after marriage when
you are contending with the demanding, stressful, or boring routine of
daily life (which exists on occasions, by the way, whether you are
married or single). What happens to sexual fulfillment in sickness, financial difficulties, crying children, ….? Instead
of thinking of ways to improve your sex life with your life partner,
you may think of ways outside the home. In the short run, it is easier.
Young
people, who are still discovering who they are, also struggle to share
the hurt, guilt, vulnerability, emptiness—that comes from a sexual
relationship. It is difficult for monogamous adults to reveal their
deepest sexual fears, hurts and feelings. Loving another person means
caring about their welfare, their happiness.
What are the emotional and spiritual consequences of uncommitted sexual
relationships? The male and female relationship is the most basic cell
of human community, how can we begin to measure the damage or
consequences of sexual hurt and betrayal? Human sex has an emotional,
spiritual and relational dimension. Sex can be mere entertainment, but
most people want a relationship (alas, it was true even in “Sex and the
City”).
Love
is a force, it is a basic human need—but it cannot be satisfied through
sex alone. We have lost the dialogue between love and the soul; we have
lost the dance between our sexuality and our spirituality. Our passion
for life has been limited to the expression of sexual passion, losing
the depth of a committed relationship in which to dialogue and dance.
If we could begin with a spiritual love, and a love affair with Love
itself, we would more readily recognize God’s love for us and our love
for one another. The beauty and gift of our sexuality within the
sanctity of intimate, committed love moves us beyond the influences of
the flesh and readies one for the intimate dance of the bridal bed, not
just any bed. Real spiritual passion is a love affair with life and
brings something entirely different to the male-female dance, something
I fear many have lost (or never discovered).
Disciplining
our sexual urges has never been an easy battle; many of the great
Saints waged a war against this primal battle (St. Paul, St.
Augustine). Back in the fourth century St. Augustine wrote, “God give
me chastity, but not yet.” When our sexuality and spirituality are
explored in the context of God’s love for us and committed marital
love, there is surprising freedom within surrendering to the boundaries
of God’s plans for us.
Some
of the most passionate and sexual language is used as the mystics
explored God’s love that embraced and was integral to their humanity. I
wonder if we began to embrace an intimate love in the depths of our
soul first, if we wouldn’t discover a hidden depth to the love and
intimacy of who we are as sexual beings. The bridal bed might again
become a sacred place; sexual intimacy could reflect spiritual
intimacy, and not merely pose as a substitute. The
marital bed might become a foretaste of God’s glorious and passionate
love for humanity, embracing the totality and beauty of who we are as
human beings.
The power of love shall grow in you.
Now let me tell you where I shall then be:
I am in myself in all places and in all things,
As I always have been eternally
And I shall pluck for you the flowers of sweet union
And shall make a bed for you out of the soft grass of holy knowledge
And the bright sun of my eternal Godhead.
-Mechthild of Magdeburg
Posted by Debra Classen at 6/16/2009 4:10 PM 
Categories: Relationships, Reflections, Journal
Tags: June Journal
Categories: Relationships, Reflections, Journal
Tags: June Journal
It is so seldom one reads something good and intelligent about sex. This article accomplishes both.
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As always Debra - You hit the nail on the head. Great article. I love your directness yet positive spin to make good choices about your sexuality which will lead to fullment for the long term and not just for the moment.
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This comment is well said. Articles of this nature should have a wider audience. After reading this, I immediately thought of friends and co-workers with whom I could share this information. We are bombarded with so much junk.
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